I often will write things on my arms. Sometimes it’s something I need to remember. Sometimes it’s quotes. Today it was both. On the top of my arm I wrote “fear cuts deeper than swords”. It’s one of my favorite Game of Thrones quotes. I haven’t watched most of the show, but I’ve read the first book, and I’m somewhat through the second. That is what I was reading during lunch today.
Earlier in the day, I had written “the consequences are too great, and the pleasure too little”. This served as a reminder that there are consequences to self harming. Sometimes those consequences are too high a price to pay, and the relief is too little to justify it. That didn’t seem to be the case today.
People self harm in many different ways; they can burn themselves, cut themselves, tear themselves down, say awful things about themselves, and many other things. There are countless reasons for hurting oneself. My personal reason is usually because I feel I deserve to feel the pain. It’s a punishment of sorts by my own hand. I would do this more around my sophomore and junior year, when my guilty feelings were at an all time high.
I felt guilt because I couldn’t help my ex get through his problems. I felt guilt because I had hurt my family again by making poor decisions. I felt guilt because I couldn’t save the world. I don’t have a hero complex by any means. But I do want to help anyone and everyone I can. And I feel as if I have failed everyone I’ve ever tried to help.
That was part of the reason behind tonight’s bad decision making. I feel massive amounts of guilt. Not only for failing those I care about, but because I worry them on top of that. Especially the person I’m closest to. He tries so hard to help me. He’s constantly trying to help me. And yet I still end up doing ridiculous things like this (and I am not saying that people who self harm are ridiculous). I haven’t cut in over a month.
Though what I do usually can’t be considered cutting. It’s closer to scratching with sharp objects. Tonight though, I broke skin. I don’t really know what made me push as hard as I did. But I had a goal in mind; I wanted to see that thin line of red. I didn’t cut deep, and they aren’t large. If not for the placement, they could easily be mistaken for paper cuts. In the morning I will tell that person I am closest to, and I will face whatever he has to say.
I know he will ask me why I did it. I never quite know how to answer him when he asks that. Because of self hatred? Because of guilt? Because I feel like I deserve it? All of these answers would be correct. But I always feel like there’s some kind of answer that I’m not giving. Not because I’d rather keep it to myself, but because I can’t figure it out. I feel like he wants more than that from me.
I never cut deep enough to leave scars. The “punishment” if you will for that is that each scar left on my body (that’s self inflicted) equals one day that I won’t get any physical contact with my friend once I get home. I am a very affectionate person who gives and receives affection through physical means (hugging and cuddling and that kind of thing). Taking that away from me is motivation enough to keep me from ever getting that far.
My head shuts off when I hurt myself. I feel nothing but that sweet sharpness up against my skin. When it’s all over, I feel drained. Remorseful, if there’s a lot of aftermath. But it mostly sucks up the sad. It’s like I opened up my skin for the sadness to slip in. Then again, it could be my supression back at work.
I didn’t really think I was going to write about something this personal when I first thought of creating this blog. But I don’t really feel like I have another adequate outlet to pour out my thoughts about this. Self harm is one of those things where you can’t let all your thoughts and feelings bottle up because it just leads to more damaging self harm.
I just want to let anyone reading this know that if you’re going through something similar (wanting to hurt themselves in any capacity, feeling like they aren’t worth it, generally depressed, feeling suicidal, etc.), that you can send me an email (go to my contact page!) if you need someone to talk to. I stay 100% confidential, and I’m a great listener. No one should have to go through this alone. I know what it’s like to hurt, what it’s like to feel like you don’t have anyone who will get it. I get it.
You are loved, and you are worth it. You are strong and beautiful, and this does not make you weak or any less deserving.