Angsty · Unapologetically Ren

Moving Too Fast

Now, if you know me at all, you know that musicals are just as big a part of my life as breathing. My go to music is almost always musicals. When dealing with a particularly rough bout of depression, I’d turn to Rent. Now, Netflix doesn’t have it anymore, and I know what you may be thinking. “Ren, why don’t you just use Amazon Video, or buy it in general?” Well, dear Reader, I simply don’t have the funds for that. So I went with another option; find a new musical.

Don’t get me wrong, Rent will always be my go to (when I am able to go to it). It will always remain on my Top 5 favorites. But with Netflix removing it (enter tear sliding down cheek here), my new(ish) “depressed musical” is The Last Five Years. Another thing you might know about me is that I am incredibly gay for Anna Kendrick. This movie musical just adds to my complete adoration for her. Alas, this post is not about her.

I was first introduced to The Last Five Years this time last year. It was one of the last days of school, and I went home with one of my best friends (my dearest, Marin). We were trying to find something to watch while we ate our pizza. We hadn’t seen it before and we thought, “what the hell. Why not?” It struck a cord in me, and I can’t pinpoint the exact reason why. I can’t relate…or can I?

Now, I’m not struggling with an acting career that is barely off the ground. I’m not an author who won’t make time for his wife. I’m not dealing with a spouse who runs around behind my back but can’t bother to conceal it. But I am someone who struggles with not feeling enough. Who feels like butter being spread on too much bread. And I think that’s why it’s my “depressed musical”.

I find myself listening to the soundtrack over and over and over again. I have for the past month or so. With the move, and telling my family about the move, my life is spiraling right now. I feel like I’m the Mr. Krabs meme where he looks all worried and the world is spinning around him. Things just won’t stop swirling. All around me there is no lack of motion.

One of the tracks from The Last Five Years is titled “Moving Too Fast”, which is where the title of this blog post comes from. In the song, Jamie (see problematic male spouse) has just been called by Random House publishing saying they wanted to meet him because they liked his book. He calls Cathy (see female spouse) saying that he wants to move in together. The opening lines to the song are:

JAMIE
Did I just hear an alarm start ringing?
Did I see sirens go flying past?
Though I don’t know what tomorrow’s bringing
I’ve got a singular impression
Things are moving too fast

Things in my life were moving at a snail’s pace. School was dragging on and on and on. Moving to Connecticut seemed as far in the future as real hover boards (because let’s be real for a second, the hover boards we have now are not what I’d call a hover board). But now it feels like it’s tomorrow. School is done, and I’m a graduate! Yay! I should be excited right? I’m for sure excited to move, but everything progressing feels like a giant train that won’t stop. Moving along in the song, Jamie sings:

And you say, “Oh, no
Step on the brakes
Do whatever it takes
But stop this train
Slow, slow! The light’s turning red”

I can’t stop the train. I can’t press the breaks. I’m not entirely sure I want to. But I know, at least a part of me, wouldn’t mind if I could.

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