Angsty · Unapologetically Ren

Unintentional Slap In the Face

*Note: I wrote this out in a notebook earlier, which I will probably blog about once this is done*

*Also Note: In all technicality, I wrote this yesterday, but I haven’t slept yet, so we’ll pretend like it’s still “today*

Today my girlfriend of 10 months (and friend of four years) asked me to tell her good friend what my ex likes sexually. Something I should mention is that this particular ex was emotionally abusive. He would use self harm as a manipulation tool. It was a whole big to-do, but it’s over now and he’s out of my life (*side note, if you know me, you know that “out of my life” isn’t always permanent. But this one is gone for good). The year following our break up, I was broken. I was scared. I had frequent panic attacks. I blamed myself for not being able to help him. I self harmed often.

My friends knew what happened, even if they didn’t have details. I think what grinds my gears the most is that she didn’t think about how bringing him up would affect me (*second side note, I’m not sure if it’s affect or effect, so just work with me, Reader). Not only that, she asked me for her friend, who is now currently dating him (again, she was two girlfriends before me), how to secually please him. Asked what I did with him that he liked. My girlfriend of all people, asked me for information on how to please my abuser.

As a brief look inside our relationship, let me tell you something. Disclaimer, I am NOT blaming him for this, because it was my choice to do so, and I was not pressured to this by him. And please don’t judge me for this, I didn’t know what else to do. I was young and stupid (*third side note, I am still young and stupid, just not as young and not as stupid). When things would get heavy, I would…distract him.

That was usually when and why our sexual bisnoo went down. In order to think back on all our sexual doings, in order to think on what he likes, I would have to think about some things that I have spent two looooooong years burying.

As I mentioned before, the thing that bugs me the most is that she didn’t even think about any of that. My significant other. My girlfriend. And all for a friend she knows I don’t like (nothing have to do with her relations to my ex, I promise. I’m not that dramatic). I’m unsure on whether or not I should bring to her attention why asking that question was such a shitty move.


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