Angsty · Unapologetically Ren

Thanks, Insomnia

Hello, dear Reader. I can’t sleep, despite it being one in the morning. (Listen, Reader, 24:59 is pretty much 01:00, so I don’t want to hear it.) You might be thinking, “Hey Ren, why can’t you sleep?” Good question. It’s one that I can’t answer with exact precision. I know it has something to do with my anxiety and my depression, but I can’t explain the connection.

So, as look into my life right now, I’m waiting to hear back from my work. That’s weird to even think. “My work”. Am I being really stupid by accepting a job when I leave in One month, Three days, Twenty hours, Five minutes, and Thirty seconds? Probably. But it will help fund the shipping of some of my stuff. I have been smacked into the reality that I have to leave so many of my things behind when I leave. Things that I didn’t think I would have to part with. Well, that’s not true. For the first few months of planning, I was planning on leaving almost everything here. And then I thought about it, and I could totally make it an option to bring all my furniture with me. But that’s not going to happen.

Let me tell you what will happen, in a perfect, yet realistic, situation. I will get (most) of my clothes out with me. I will ship my beauty products that I can’t bring on the plane. I will pack what I can in my suitcase alongside my clothes. I am bringing some of my stuffed animals because they will help my transition. I’m packing some of my blankets as well for that reason.

What I don’t know what I’ll do, is I don’t know what I will do with all my books. I don’t know what I will do about my pillows. I don’t know what I’ll do with my computer, with my posters, with my fanmerch. I don’t know a lot of things.

There is something I do know, and it is undeniable fact. This move is the best thing for me. It will put me in a place that I can be apologetically me. It will put me in a place that I am not judged for being me. I will not have to play a role, I will not have to wear a mask. Will I continue to do so? Probably, at least for a little bit in the beginning. I did the same at the end of my stay there. It will be like dipping my toes in the water. Checking the temperature. But the thing is, I don’t have to. I know I don’t have to. It’s not if I do or if I don’t; it’s about whether or not there is the availability.

This move is one of the most stressful things I’ve gone through in my short life, and it hasn’t even happened yet! Sometimes I wonder if I’m worth all the trouble that has gone into the preparation. Even as I type that, I can hear his voice in my head saying, “you are worth all that and more. You are worth every damn given about you, and more so.” I can hear him in my mind, I can. Not in the “I hear voices” kind of thing, because it’s nothing like that. But he is my voice of reason. The reason I’m not making stupid ass decisions. I will have conversations with myself, as everyone does. Except the voice responding isn’t my voice. I mean, on one hand, it is. It’s my head, my voice, yada yada yada. But it isn’t me I hear. It’s him. And for that I am so grateful.

So that’s what’s going on right now, dear Reader. Thank you for dropping by.

 

**If you’re reading this, and you know who you are, thank you. Thank you for everything you have done, are doing, and will do for me. You mean the world to me, and I am so thankful that you are in my life. I’ll see you soon, okay?**

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